VIDEO: Opening the package. Since I’ve been bleaching my hair, my vocabulary has dwindled to only include phrases like “Holy Sh*t!” and “Oh my god!”
Alright, so my real birthday is November 8th, 1981…but I’ve had weird and sometimes unfortunate luck celebrating my emanation into the world on that day. JCA who’s suffered through year after year of me bitching about this fact set the date for November 3rd…then November 12th…then November 11th. Yes, 11/11/11 for those of you who like numbers.
I was unaware of what I was about to encounter. All I knew was I needed to be off of work 11/11/11 and there would be dancing. That’s it.
On Thursday Nov. 10th, a package arrived at the door. It was wrapped in hot pink paper with a delicate vellum note on the top that read “Do Not Open Until 3pm November 11th 2011.”
(Why yes, that is an underutilized Roland 505.)
Can do, package!
Little did I know what shenanigans were about to ensue.
Friday afternoon rolls around. My boss was in on this whole shebang and yelled at me to go home and for even coming into work that day. Again, can do!
I waited anxiously for 3pm, applied some makeup, threw some unnecessary junk in a bag, and ripped open the box.
The note read:
The Legend of the Thirty Pink Stones
Your life has been under keen watch. From your first breath, Dana, we have waited for the right moment to allow our presence to be felt. (There was this one time, when you were showering, that we came oh so close, but wussed out.)
We are the Guardians of the Pink Stones, an invisible conglomerate owned in part by General Electric. We bring joy into the world by way of – you guessed it – cat videos. You have served us well with your ongoing Cat News initiative, and for that, we have silently kept you out of harm’s way. The Guardians derive our power from the mystical Thirty Pink Stones – precious rocks either fallen from space or bought online; we can’t remember.
Tragically, however, you are in peril. The stones have been stolen by an evil demon, The Chicken Wizard, who seeks to destroy you. He has scattered them across your realm. Without the stones, we are powerless to stop him from not only killing your dance party but also taking your life. It is up to you to find the stones and defeat The Chicken Wizard.
We have mustered up clues to help you on your quest. There will be items to collect, riddles to solve, and villains to face. Thirty years ago, we stowed away what is now an ancient tape playing machine. Bring it with you.
One last thing: We’ve already located one of the stones. Through a special portal, we placed it into your residence, where it is being protected by penguins. Study and place it into the pink container. Unfortunately, the portal sucked one of your possessions into it. We apologize for the inconvenience. Hopefully, it wasn’t something important.
Best of luck.
LOCATION: JCA and Dana’s hobbit hole (Kirkwood, Atlanta)
ITEMS ACQUIRED: Legend of the Thirty Pink Stones, Boombox, Epic Quest tape, Stone